The Pawpaw Parody: Gorton 0-2 in September as raging Stoops causes backfield mayhem during lawsuit response presser

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when University of Kentucky Head Football Coach Mark Stoops was invited to Mayor Linda Gorton’s 4:29 pm press conference on Friday.

“I get invited to crap all the time,” said Stoops, “whenever we have a good team, every local politician in town will trot me out for some youth sports league or dog park opening every now and again. It’s pretty boring, but Mitch (Barnhart) likes for me to attend them, for good public relations’ sake.”

When Stoops arrived at the Friday presser, however, he was disturbed to discover the taxpayer funded event planned to feature a dramatic rereading of the City’s response to the UK Five lawsuit, performed by Mayor Linda Gorton herself.

During a particularly spicy paragraph from the response, Stoops went in motion parallel to the mayor’s defensive line of city commissioners and leaders. “If you slow it down, you can see the moment he makes his move,” said sportscaster Alan Cutler, “as he goes out past Chief Weathers, Commissioner Latner misses his blocking assignment and doesn’t shift over to pick up the incoming blitz. Additionally, ONE Lexington Director Devine Carama appears to look the other way as the local celeb breaches his clearly assigned scheme on the blocking chart. Obviously we can’t show the rest of the slo-mo replay here, but it is available on my Telegram channel for those who are interested.”

Stoops penetrated into the backfield just as Gorton was presenting Detective CORY B. VINLOVE, an alleged University of Louisville grad, with the Key to the City of Lexington.

“I made contact with Plaintiff Vinlove with my shoulder initially, but due to the force of the hit his weight shifted, causing his front facial area to make briefly brush against crown of my helmet,” Stoops said in a later affidavit. Stoops was penalized 15 yards for targeting on the play and was later ejected from the presser in an unrelated incident.