The Pawpaw: Gorton cuts ribbon on new Division of Women’s Health Enforcement wing at St. Joe East

Lexington, Ky (Satire)–Local women had the opportunity to experience a spooky new attraction at the City’s annual Halloween Thriller Parade on Saturday. Republican Mayor Linda Gorton, in conjunction with her Lexington Police Department and St. Jospeh East Hospital, used the event to help roll out the City’s new enforcement policies for women suspected of having abortions under the Commonwealth of Kentucky’s restrictive new law. The spooky new exhibit simulates a physical examination conducted by Lexington’s new Division of Women’s Health Enforcement.

While Gorton recently came under fire from reproductive rights activists for saying in a debate that she would enforce Kentucky’s restrictive abortion ban if reelected in November, analysts say this move is intended to show voters she’s sticking to her guns and moving forward with her controversial plan.

“While I’ve stated publicly several times that I am voting No on 2 and think a woman’s healthcare decisions should lie solely between a woman and her doctor, obviously I’m still going to do the right thing and follow orders. (Whenever in history has that not worked out?) If the state legislature also thinks my Police Department, a prosecutor, and a judge should be involved in Lexington women’s healthcare decisions, who am I, as head of the local executive branch, to say otherwise? After all, IT’S THE LAW,” Gorton screamed to passersby at the parade. The Mayor’s spokesperson also reminded voters dozens of times that Gorton is a retired nurse.

The exhibit was mandatory for all Thriller Parade attendees over the age of 13. The Urban County Council also has approved funding for a preteen-sized examination chair so all eligible persons could experience the exhibit, regardless of age.

Gorton’s opponent, Democrat David Kloiber, said “Absolutely not,” when asked if he would enforce the abortion ban in Lexington. Multiple Thriller Parade attendees and parents were heard repeating these words when it was time for their mandatory visit to Mayor Gorton’s Division of Women’s Health Enforcement exhibit. (Gorton reiterated that she was just following orders, and so should they.)

Texas currently has a similar abortion ban to Kentucky’s in place. A Texas woman was recently prosecuted after she had a miscarriage and had to prove to a court that she didn’t have an abortion. Victims of sexual assault are even given pregnancy tests by some Texas agencies now. Gorton wouldn’t rule either of these scenarios out for Lexington, smiling and simply saying, “Rules is rules!”

A ribbon cutting for the new Division of Women’s Health Enforcement wing at St. Joe East was briefly postponed Monday when Council Member Josh McCurn forgot to bring a ribbon. Fortunately, the crime scene tape in the delivery room had just been restocked, so that was used in place of a standard ribbon.