April 1, 2023: In Effort to Fund Trump Legal Defense, Times Builds Virtual Paywall to Keep Out Non-Subscribers
Vendor has proven track record
Lexington, Ky. (SATIRE)–In a shocking turn of events, The Lexington Times, a traditionally free online newspaper has announced that it will be implementing a paywall technology marketed by none other than former President Donald Trump. The technology, which is being dubbed the “Build the Paywall” effort, is a spin-off of Trump’s infamous but unsuccessful “Build the Wall” campaign.
In a further twist, sources close to The Lexington Times have revealed that Trump plans to use the profits from the “Build the Paywall” effort to fund his ongoing legal defense. Trump is currently under indictment in Manhattan over money paid to a porn star.
Critics have accused Trump of using the new Lexington Times paywall as a way to enrich himself while also sidestepping campaign finance laws that restrict how funds can be used for legal defense. “It’s a classic Trump move,” said one political analyst. “He’s found a way to monetize his political influence while also using it to protect himself legally.”
While some Times readers have praised the move as a savvy business decision, others have expressed concern that the downstream profits from the paywall technology may be going to support questionable legal tactics. “I don’t want my money going towards frivolous lawsuits and legal stunts,” said one reader. “I thought I was just paying for crappy retreads of Herald-Leader articles.”
According to the newspaper’s CEO, Karl Kalipari, the decision to implement the paywall was made in order to “protect the integrity of our journalism.” However, insiders say that the real reason behind the move was simply to increase revenue and boost profits.
“By 2045, we’re on track to be exactly like the Herald-Leader in every tangible way,” Kalipari continued.
When asked about the decision to use a technology marketed by Trump, the CEO said, “We believe that Mr. Trump’s proven track record of building walls will translate well to the online paywall space.”
The paywall itself will be a virtual wall that readers will need to pay to access. The cost of the subscription will vary depending on the reader’s location, with those in Kenwick and Bell Court paying the highest rates. “After a thorough review of online comments, we determined that most of our more obnoxious readers had IP addresses originating in one of these two areas,” Kalipari explained. “If they gotta problem with that, I suppose they could always just sign up for the Herald-Leader.. LOL”
Trump himself has been brought on as a consultant for the project, and has promised to personally inspect the virtual wall to ensure its effectiveness.
Critics have been quick to point out the irony of a traditionally free newspaper implementing a paywall technology marketed by someone who is known for his anti-immigration policies. “It’s like they’re saying ‘we’re against walls, but we’re for walls if they make us money’,” said one commentator.
Many readers have expressed outrage at the move, with some calling for a boycott of the newspaper. “I used to love reading this paper and then ruthlessly mocking it online, but now they’re just another greedy corporation,” said one Reddit user, “how am I supposed to cherry-pick a single point of minutiae to fixate on if I can’t even read the dang article?”
As for Trump, he seems to be relishing the opportunity to get back in the spotlight. “I knew that Build the Wall was a winner, even if the Democrats and the fake news media didn’t,” he said in a statement. “And now, with Build the Paywall, I’m going to make even more money than I did with the wall. Believe me.”
Only time will tell if the “Build the Paywall” effort will be as successful as Trump’s previous wall-building endeavors. But one thing is for sure: the line between politics and business has never been blurrier.
To celebrate the announcement, Stormy Daniels will host a ‘Pay to Play’ exclusive live stream on The Times paywall.
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